A book by Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Do you find yourself suppressing your own needs, feelings and emotions to appease others? Or perhaps you’ve even lost track of what your needs and preferences are. Asking yourself who am I?? I’m not talking about empathy, compassion and generosity. I’m talking about accommodative behavior in response to a fear of rejection, conflict, retaliation or abandonment.
If this resonates with you, this book might be of interest and help to you. In her book, clinical psychologist Ingrid Clayton describes fawning as a fourth trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Instead of confronting a threat, escaping it, or shutting down, a person attempts to manage the threat by becoming agreeable, helpful, likable, or indispensable.
Clayton’s central message is that these behaviors often began as ways to survive emotionally or physically unsafe situations. They are not necessarily signs of weakness or a character flaw. But a strategy that once protected you can become a pattern that limits your relationships, choices, and sense of identity.
The deepest message of Fawning is that you can be a caring person without making yourself responsible for everyone else’s comfort.
You don’t have to become less empathetic, less generous, or less loving. You need to develop the ability to remain connected to yourself while being connected to other people.
A useful question to carry away from the book is:
“Am I doing this because it reflects who I am and what I want—or because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t?”
That distinction is at the heart of learning to unfawn.
Ingrid Clayton, Psy.D., is the author of three books: Fawning, Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma, and Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice. She also maintains a private practice and contributes to Psychology Today articles.
Wishing you a zen week ahead.
Warmly, Claudine
